In a previous post on victim or alchemist, I felt a pull on the word “victim”. And I wanted to explore that a little more from the perspective of trauma compassion. I don’t purport to have “trauma informed” training, and I am aware of trauma, the effects of trauma on the human, on the brain and body – and I do have compassion for those who experience the feeling of being victimized. I don’t have a lot of energy to give to those who claim “victim” as part of their identity, because it just isn’t productive. Changes in self and society aren’t made from this position. Society and media absolutely program us to relinquish control to authority, to government, to the education system, to the medical system, to the church, to anyone outside of ourselves. So it’s not as if the cards are stacked in our favor.
When one is working through trauma experiences, there is a phase of healing where it may be healthy to put the blame outside of themselves, especially if the trauma is experienced in childhood. Kids think this is about them – they take the ownership onto themselves and believe they somehow caused these events to happen to them. This can set them up for a lifetime of uncomfortable experiences and familiar patterns. Usually it didn’t have anything to do with them and they need to know this. The brain of a child is not prepared to handle or process some of the stuff we throw at them. So we have a lot of wounded babies running around in adult bodies. The later realization that what happened to them was not their fault, can be life altering and feel freeing. But if we get stuck there, that becomes another dysfunctional pattern.
Certainly nobody is at fault if they don’t know any better. And I don’t find some sort of sick karmic justice in kids being born into abusive or neglectful situations. I may understand a little on the spiritual level, but some things just don’t need to be the way they are. There’s really no good excuse for it and spiritual bypassing doesn’t help anyone long term. So what can we DO about it? We can only really take accountability for how we live our own lives, how we manage our own energy and how we care for our children if we have them. We become aware of all the ways we give away our power and start to take it back, step by step. We start to reprogram our beliefs and rewire our brains, day by day. We start to practice mindfulness, so we can be aware of where we’re reacting – what’s driving that? Who is speaking in our heads? What are we feeling in the moment? Where are we avoiding looking at ourselves and our own behaviors? Who are we surrounding ourselves with and do we have a choice? Truly. We start getting curious. We start asking questions.
Personally, I love Byron Katie’s “The Work” as a starting place to move from blame to empowerment. The level of inquiry and turn-arounds really start opening our minds to choice and understanding we do have a choice in how we think and respond. And it’s like walking a path. The more we walk on it, the more it becomes defined. Building new neuropathways in the brain is the same way. There is no magic pill or quick fix. It requires daily practice and dedication. And there is no shame in getting help in whatever form you can find it! Whatever works for you. Sometimes medication is helpful and appropriate. Allopathic medicine does have a place, particularly in acute medical situations. There are no spiritual bonus points for martyrdom. Please don’t suffer needlessly.
It’s easy to blame other people and circumstances and upbringing and socioeconomic factors. That’s the easy, obvious answer because it’s right there and most people will agree. Even though it creates more suffering, it’s comfortable and familiar to give power away to someone else. And that’s what we were programmed to do. You don’t think propaganda, mind control and sales psychology are rampant? Ok. I’ll let you sit with that. You can be aware of it. You can rise above it, but you have to want to. Most people will do anything to avoid really looking in the mirror and changing themselves. Until it hurts too much to stay the same. Nobody is going to rescue you. You have to rescue yourself with guidance from others to help show you a way, and assistance in finding YOUR way.
This is why my soul mate clients are those who have already invested significant time and energy into personal growth. They know the status quo is not enough for them. They’re invested in themselves, in their personal and spiritual growth. They don’t want to give me their power (I don’t want it), they just want a little guidance and help. They aren’t kicking tires. This isn’t a hobby for them; it’s part of who they are. They’re ready to own their healing and they’re ready to go deep. They know beliefs are movable. They’re ready to pull back the curtain with someone by their side and they’re open to miracles. This is where my energy is best invested and where I find my greatest joy. If I hold myself back, I hold everyone else back. If you’re ready, let’s go!
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